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Person Holding Model

Self-Esteem & Shame Counselling in Coquitlam, BC

Therapy for people who are tired of feeling
like they're not enough.

 

Do you find yourself holding back in life because somewhere deep down, you don't quite believe you deserve to take up space? Do you replay conversations long after they've ended, wondering if you said the wrong thing? Do you work incredibly hard, achieve real things, and yet still feel like you're a failure?

If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. It also doesn't mean that you are "broken". Low self-esteem and shame are very common - and also very painful emotional experiences. They can be invisible to others but on the inside they shape everything: how you see yourself, how safe you feel in relationships, and how freely you carry yourself through the world. This constant feeling of "cringe" about your own self, feelings or actions can be exhausting.

At Feel Good Counselling in Coquitlam, I offer compassionate, evidence-based therapy to help gently untangle the roots of low self-worth and shame and to help build a kinder, more trusting relationship with yourself.



Self-esteem is the lens through which we see ourselves. When that lens is distorted (by early experiences, critical messages from childhood, or painful things that happened) we end up with a deeply held belief that we are somehow inadequate, unlovable, or less than others. We start believing that we are simply not good enough.

Low self-esteem rarely appears out of nowhere. No one is just born with feeling that they are "not good enough". It usually has deep, deep roots.

 

Some of the most common reasons for low self esteem and shame can include:

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  • Childhood experiences of criticism and neglect

  • Emotional unavailability, or inconsistent love and presence of caregivers

  • Growing up in an environment where you felt you had to earn approval or affection

  • Bullying, social rejection

  • Shaming by peers, teachers or family

  • Trauma, abuse, or experiences that left you feeling unsafe or unworthy

  • Attachment wounds

  • Cultural or family messages about who you should be or how much you should need

  • Comparison, perfectionism

  • Constant pressure to perform or achieve

  • Relationship experiences that reinforced beliefs about your worth


These experiences become internalized. Over time, the critical voice of a parent, a partner, a bully, or an abusive person becomes our own inner voice and we stop questioning it.

 

Therapy helps you start to question it and untangle the roots of that feeling.



Self-Esteem and Shame: What's the Difference?


Self-esteem and shame are closely related but are also very distinct experiences. Understanding the difference can be a powerful first step in healing.

Low self-esteem is an ongoing belief that you are not good enough: not smart enough, not attractive enough, not worthy of love or success. It's a quiet, persistent background narrative that colours how you experience yourself in the world.

Shame goes deeper. Shame is about identity, not behaviour. It is a deeply rooted belief that what we do, who we are or what we feel - is ultimately wrong and unwelcome. It's the searing, often hidden belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. With feelings of shame also often comes a fear of rejection - a feel that if others really knew who we are or what we feel, it would cause them to withdraw, reject, or leave. Shame also goes hand in hand with a feeling of being unworthy and a fear of abandonment.

Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. It hides behind perfectionism, people-pleasing, overachieving, or shutting down entirely. It can feel almost impossible to talk about — which is exactly why having a safe, non-judgmental space to explore it matters so much.

 

​What Is Low Self-Esteem and Where Does It Come From?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Signs You Might Be Struggling With Low Self-Esteem or Shame


Low self-esteem and shame show up differently in different people. Some common signs include:

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  • A harsh inner critic that is rarely quiet — and almost never kind

  • Difficulty accepting compliments, achievements, or positive feedback

  • Comparing yourself to others and almost always coming up short

  • Feelings of anxiety about how others would react 

  • Fear of judgement or rejection

  • People-pleasing, difficulty saying no, or putting everyone else's needs first

  • Perfectionism and fear of failure — because mistakes feel like proof of your worthlessness

  • Withdrawing from relationships or social situations to avoid judgment or rejection

  • Staying in relationships, jobs, or situations that don't serve you because you don't feel you deserve better

  • Feeling like an imposter — even when others see your competence

  • A deep fear of being truly seen, known, or found out

  • Chronic anxiety, depression, or a persistent sense of emptiness


These patterns may make complete sense given what you've experienced. They were often adaptations to deal with what was going on— the ways you have developed for coping, staying safe, keeping the peace, or surviving.

 

But our adaptations don't have to define you.

In fact, they define what HAPPENED to you, rather than define your actual self.
 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
How I Help: Therapy Approaches for Self-Esteem and Shame


Healing low self-esteem and shame isn't about positive affirmations or "thinking more positively." Shame and self-esteem are not just "negative ways of thinking" which you can change with just trying different thoughts.

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It's very often more emotional and deeper work related to our earlier experiences. Sometimes requires gently exploring where these beliefs came from, how they have shaped your life and how you relate to self and others. Shame is really not about "becoming" good enough. It is about healing the root of the feeling and untangling yourself from the time when this belief was form. 

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Shame is a symptom of something you have experienced or learned.

It is not a reflection of your own actual worth.

 

In working with self-esteem and shame, I draw on several evidence-based approaches:

Attachment-Based Therapy
So much of our self-worth is shaped in our earliest relationships — with caregivers who either helped us feel safe, seen, and loved, or who (maybe through no fault of their own) could not. Attachment-based therapy helps us understand how those early experiences created our internal working models of ourselves and others. In a warm, consistent therapeutic relationship, we begin to experience something different — and that experience itself becomes healing.

EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Many experiences that shaped our self-esteem — moments of humiliation, rejection, criticism, or abandonment — become stored in the nervous system as unprocessed memories. EMDR helps the brain fully process these memories so they lose their emotional charge. Clients often find that long-held beliefs like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm fundamentally flawed" begin to shift at a deep level — not just intellectually, but in how they feel in their body.

 

Attachment-Based Therapy

Through exploring attachment wounds or emotional injuries inflicted by caregivers we can starting seeing that what we feel today may be related to how we have experienced safety - or lack of it - growing up. Building a healthier attachment with partners can also be a major healing aspect of addressing past attachment wounds stemming from childhood experiences.


Nervous System Regulation and Somatic Work
Shame, in particular, lives in the body. It shows up as the urge to shrink, hide, collapse, or disappear. Noticing how shame shows up in the body helps us deal with it. Through regulation of our nervous system and through building safer internal experiences we learn to respond to our triggers better. Our body and nervous system help us in the healing process. They have wisdom and healing potential for any emotional experience. You don't have to intellectually understand your shame to start healing it.

DBT Skills (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)
DBT offers concrete, practical tools that help you manage the intense emotions — the flooding, the self-criticism spirals, the shame attacks — that can make everyday life so exhausting. Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness skills all help you build a steadier internal foundation while we do the deeper healing work together.

CBT and Inner Critic Work
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps us identify, examine and gently challenge the unhelpful beliefs and thought patterns that fuel low self-esteem. We learn to recognize the inner critic for what it is — not the truth about you, but an internalized voice you absorbed somewhere along the way. Over time, we practice meeting that critic with curiosity and compassion rather than agreement.

Compassion-Focused Approaches
Research consistently shows that self-compassion — the ability to treat yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend — is one of the most powerful antidotes to shame. This isn't about letting yourself off the hook or lowering your standards. It's about learning to hold your pain, your mistakes, and your struggles with warmth rather than contempt. For many of my clients, this is the most transformative part of the work.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Can Change Through Therapy?


Healing self-esteem and shame is a gradual but rewarding process.  Clients I work with often notice these positive signs of healing:

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  • A quieter, less harsh inner critic

  • An ability to have "dialogue" with the negative thoughts of self and not just take them as fact

  • A growing ability to receive care, compliments, and love without deflecting

  • An improved ability to identify the moments when shame and feelings of inadequacy kick in

  • A better way to learn and manage triggering situations

  • A more trusting, enjoyable connections and relationships

  • More confidence in expressing needs, setting limits, and making decisions

  • Less neglect of their own needs and better ability to advocate for self

  • Reduced anxiety about connections and relations

  • Reduced symptoms of depression and negative self-talk

  • Healing past pain acquired through attachment wounds

  • Less fear of judgment — and more genuine connection in relationships

  • The ability to make mistakes without spiralling into shame

  • A clearer sense of who you are and what matters to you

  • A felt sense — not just an intellectual belief — that you are enough


This kind of work takes courage.It does also take time. But I have seen again and again that change is possible — even for people who have spent decades believing otherwise.

 

Who I Work With


At my practice in Coquitlam, I work with teens and adults of all backgrounds who are struggling with low self-esteem, shame, self-criticism, or a painful sense of not being enough. Many of my clients also carry underlying anxiety, trauma, depression, or relationship difficulties that are closely connected to their self-worth. Addressing and healing one aspect of our experience often can naturally help heal and improve our experiences and symptoms in other aspects of life.

 

As I always remind my clients, we are not a set of Tupperware containers: experiences we go through and feelings we have are all connected.

I always offer a warm, non-judgmental, deeply human space. I won't rush you, minimize what you're carrying, or reduce you to a checklist of symptoms. I see you as a whole, unique and beautiful person and I truly believe in your capacity to heal and see yourself this way too.

Ready to Start? Let's Talk.


If you're in Coquitlam, Port Moody, Port Coquitlam, or anywhere in British Columbia, I'd love to connect. I offer in-person sessions at my Coquitlam office and online counselling for clients across BC.

Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation — no pressure, no commitment. Just a chance to talk about where you are and how I might help.

Call or text:  778-788-4159
Email: olga@feelgoodcounselling.com
Book online:

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