Self-Esteem & Shame Counselling in Coquitlam, BC
Therapy for people who are tired of feeling like they're not enough.
Do you find yourself holding back in life — in relationships, at work, in social situations — because somewhere deep down, you don't quite believe you deserve to take up space? Do you replay conversations long after they've ended, wondering if you said the wrong thing, came across badly, or revealed too much? Do you work incredibly hard, achieve real things, and yet still feel like you're falling short?
If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. It also doesn't mean that you are "broken". Low self-esteem and shame are among the most quietly painful experiences a person can carry. They don't always look dramatic from the outside. But on the inside, they shape everything: how you see yourself, how safe you feel in relationships, and how freely you move through the world. This constant feeling of "cringe" about your own self, feelings or actions can be tolling and exhausting.
At Feel Good Counselling in Coquitlam, I offer compassionate, evidence-based therapy to help you gently untangle the roots of low self-worth and shame and help build a kinder, more trusting relationship with yourself.
Self-esteem is the lens through which we see ourselves. When that lens is distorted — by early experiences, critical messages we absorbed growing up, or painful things that happened to us — we end up with a deeply held belief that we are somehow inadequate, unlovable, or less than others.
Low self-esteem rarely appears out of nowhere. No one is born feeling that they are "not good enough". It usually has roots.
Some of the most common include:
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Childhood experiences of criticism, neglect, emotional unavailability, or inconsistent love and presence of caregivers
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Growing up in an environment where you felt you had to earn approval or affection
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Bullying, social rejection, or being made to feel different or less-than
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Trauma, abuse, or experiences that left you feeling unsafe or unworthy
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Attachment wounds
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Cultural or family messages about who you should be or how much you should need
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Comparison, perfectionism, and the relentless pressure to perform or achieve
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Relationship experiences that reinforced beliefs about your worth
These experiences become internalized. Over time, the critical voice of a parent, a bully, or an abusive person becomes our own inner voice and we stop questioning it.
Therapy helps you start to question it and untangle the roots of that feeling.
Self-Esteem and Shame: What's the Difference?
Self-esteem and shame are closely related but are also very distinct experiences. Understanding the difference can be a powerful first step in healing.
Low self-esteem is an ongoing belief that you are not good enough: not smart enough, not attractive enough, not worthy of love or success. It's a quiet, persistent background narrative that colours how you experience yourself in the world.
Shame goes deeper. Shame is about identity, not behaviour. It is a deeply rooted belief that what we do, who we are or what we feel - is ultimately wrong and unwelcome. It's the searing, often hidden belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. With feelings of shame also often comes a fear of rejection - a feel that if others really knew who we are or what we feel, it would cause them to withdraw, reject, or leave. Shame also goes hand in hand with a feeling of being unworthy and a fear of abandonment.
Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. It hides behind perfectionism, people-pleasing, overachieving, or shutting down entirely. It can feel almost impossible to talk about — which is exactly why having a safe, non-judgmental space to explore it matters so much.
What Is Low Self-Esteem and Where Does It Come From?
Signs You Might Be Struggling With Low Self-Esteem or Shame
Low self-esteem and shame show up differently in different people.
Some common signs include:
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A harsh inner critic that is rarely quiet — and almost never kind
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Difficulty accepting compliments, achievements, or positive feedback
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Comparing yourself to others and almost always coming up short
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People-pleasing, difficulty saying no, or putting everyone else's needs first
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Perfectionism and fear of failure — because mistakes feel like proof of your worthlessness
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Withdrawing from relationships or social situations to avoid judgment or rejection
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Staying in relationships, jobs, or situations that don't serve you because you don't feel you deserve better
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Feeling like an imposter — even when others see your competence
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A deep fear of being truly seen, known, or found out
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Chronic anxiety, depression, or a persistent sense of emptiness
These patterns may make complete sense given what you've experienced. They were often adaptations to deal with what was going on— the ways you have developed for staying safe, keeping the peace, or surviving.
But they don't and also don't have to define you.
How I Help: Therapy Approaches for Self-Esteem and Shame
Healing low self-esteem and shame isn't about positive affirmations or "thinking more positively." Shame and self-esteem are not just "negative ways of thinking" which you can change with just trying different thoughts.
It's very often more emotional and deeper work — and it requires gently exploring where these beliefs came from, how they've shaped your life, and how to begin relating to yourself differently. Healing from acquired beliefs of self, such as not being good enough, is about healing the root of the feeling and untangling yourself from the time when this belief was form.
In my practice in Coquitlam, I draw on several evidence-based approaches depending on your unique history and needs:
Attachment-Based Therapy
So much of our self-worth is shaped in our earliest relationships — with caregivers who either helped us feel safe, seen, and loved, or who — through no fault of their own — could not. Attachment-based therapy helps us understand how those early experiences created our internal working models of ourselves and others. In a warm, consistent therapeutic relationship, we begin to experience something different — and that experience itself becomes healing.
EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Many experiences that shaped our self-esteem — moments of humiliation, rejection, criticism, or abandonment — become stored in the nervous system as unprocessed memories. EMDR helps the brain fully process these memories so they lose their emotional charge. Clients often find that long-held beliefs like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm fundamentally flawed" begin to shift at a deep level — not just intellectually, but in how they feel in their body.
Through exploring attachment wounds or emotional injuries inflicted by caregivers we can starting seeing that what we feel today may be related to how we have experienced safety - or lack of it - growing up. Buidling a healthier attachment with partners can also be a major healing aspect of addressing past attachment wounds stemming from childhood experiences.
Somatic Therapy
Shame, in particular, lives in the body. It shows up as the urge to shrink, hide, collapse, or disappear. Somatic therapy helps us work with these physical responses gently and compassionately — noticing how shame feels in the body, learning to tolerate and move through it, and gradually building a more embodied sense of safety and worth. You don't have to intellectually understand your shame to start healing it.
DBT Skills (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy)
DBT offers concrete, practical tools that help you manage the intense emotions — the flooding, the self-criticism spirals, the shame attacks — that can make everyday life so exhausting. Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness skills all help you build a steadier internal foundation while we do the deeper healing work together.
CBT and Inner Critic Work
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps us identify, examine and gently challenge the unhelpful beliefs and thought patterns that fuel low self-esteem. We learn to recognize the inner critic for what it is — not the truth about you, but an internalized voice you absorbed somewhere along the way. Over time, we practice meeting that critic with curiosity and compassion rather than agreement.
Compassion-Focused Approaches
Research consistently shows that self-compassion — the ability to treat yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend — is one of the most powerful antidotes to shame. This isn't about letting yourself off the hook or lowering your standards. It's about learning to hold your pain, your mistakes, and your struggles with warmth rather than contempt. For many of my clients, this is the most transformative part of the work.
What Can Change Through Therapy?
Healing self-esteem and shame is gradual — but the changes are real and lasting.
Clients I work with often notice:
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A quieter, less harsh inner critic
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An ability to have "dialogue" with the negative thoughts of self and not just take them as fact
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A growing ability to receive care, compliments, and love without deflecting
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An improved ability to identify the moments when shame and feelings of inadequacy kick in
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A better way to learn and manage triggering situations
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A more trusting, enjoyable connections and relationships
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More confidence in expressing needs, setting limits, and making decisions
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Less fear of judgment — and more genuine connection in relationships
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The ability to make mistakes without spiralling into shame
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A clearer sense of who you are and what matters to you
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A felt sense — not just an intellectual belief — that you are enough
This kind of work takes courage.It does also take time. But I have seen again and again that change is possible — even for people who have spent decades believing otherwise.
Who I Work With
I work with adults of all backgrounds who are struggling with low self-esteem, shame, self-criticism, or a painful sense of not being enough. Many of my clients also carry underlying anxiety, trauma, depression, or relationship difficulties that are closely connected to their self-worth — and we hold all of this with care.
I offer a warm, non-judgmental, deeply human space. I won't rush you, minimize what you're carrying, or reduce you to a checklist of symptoms.
I see you as a whole unique and beautiful person — and I truly believe in your capacity to heal.
Ready to Start? Let's Talk.
If you're in Coquitlam, Port Moody, Port Coquitlam, or anywhere in British Columbia, I'd love to connect. I offer in-person sessions at my Coquitlam office and online counselling for clients across BC.
Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation — no pressure, no commitment. Just a chance to talk about where you are and how I might help.
Call or text: 778-788-4159
Email: olga@feelgoodcounselling.com
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